I Like Socks

On a whim, about a year ago, I bought my first bra in nearly a decade.  I’m minimally endowed enough to not require everyday harness or restraint and had fallen out of the habit of ever wearing this most feminine of foundation garments.  Since, for my frame, they’re purely decorative, I ended up buying a basic push-up number and fell in love with the lady-drag costume aspect of the whole thing.

Armed with my very own letter and number combination (and an equivalent size that is easier to find in the average department store) my bra collection grew from zero to a handful (ha, ha) over the summer.

I recently received some “hey, shop with us again!” coupons in the mail for $10 off a purchase in-store with Victoria’s Secret.  Browsing their site, I was presented with this:

Yowsa.  Now, it’s totally key to understanding my curiosity about the Miraculous™ that you recognise I never wear a bra with intent to conceal its presence.  The plainest style, by inherent structure, is so different from my everyday boobs that I tend to pair them with low-cut tops that show the top of the cups, to make it clear that I’m just genderfucking around.

Victoria’s Secret ranks the va-voomness of their padded bras by “levels.” They range from a Subtle lift and shaping at Level 1, upwards through Moderate, Dramatic and Extreme, ending at the Ultimate lift of a Level 5.  The Miraculous™ is a five.  Clearly.

At the store, a VS associate explained the science going on.  Besides your regular underboob push-up padding, these have got padding on the sides, to “create an hourglass silhouette” and heave to the breasts together.

(clicking will take you to Flickr and larger versions)

The Miraculous™ is supposed to add “up to two cup sizes.”  It does this with a cup size worth of padding under the breasts and another cup’s worth at the side.  Even this much prosthetic boobage didn’t give me proper cleavage, but a large part of that is my body type (see problems listed below).  Nonetheless, the difference on a small frame like mine is unnerving.

Two cheers for boob science! But.  There are some issues certain body types are going to have with this much padding and scaffolding.

1. If your rack is more widely spaced, with the bulk of fatty tissue closer to your arms than your sternum, it’s going to take some gravity work (bending over and scooping the boob into place) to situate everything in place, and even then it might not stay.  The Victoria’s Secret associate who I talked to has a similar build to mine and had the same issue.  The straps can be crossed in the back, I found that this does help distribute the tension more evenly.
2. The dainty little straps are easily cowed by neck and shoulder muscles.  Raising my arms up rolls the straps a little, which would be totes annoying during a day at work in the warehouse.
3. Its fake as hell.  Nothing subtle about adding two cup sizes, folks.

Like with any bra, I suggest taking your time in the fitting room.  Jump around, lean over, see what it’s like with a shirt on.  Since they’re right there in the middle of everything, your boobs are in integral part of daily movement.  However, there is some adjustment available with the strap design.  The straps unhook in the back, then can be slotted into a pretty wide range of configurations and back widths.  I ended up finding a setup that reduced the strap rolling issue I had.

(clicking will take you to Flickr and larger versions)

When it comes down to it, this is the ultimate showpiece bra.  This amazing bit of boob tech is not going to be everybody’s fave daily device, its the kind of thing you pull out for company and holidays.  However—it comes in a good range of colours, a couple lace overlays and rowdy animal prints (though the seriously boss stuff isn’t available online yet).  if you have the gonads to have fun with boobs, the Victoria’s Secret Miraculous™ push-up is totally worth it.  Sizes online are available from 32AA to 38DD, so a sizeable chunk of humanity can play.

Left: Model Agneta Bylander in a Paris fashion show.  Bill Ray, 1968. Via Life’s archives on Google.

Right: Hun Head, POP Magazine.  Sebastian Faena, 2000.  Via Haute Macabre (NSFW).

There are a couple of things, during this season of costumes, that are asked about by customers at work.  One of my favourites is “how do I get the stockings (leggings?) the Alice character wears in Resident Evil: Extinction?”

The internet is mildly clogged with answers to finding the right holsters, or you can look at images of the original costume and really, it isn’t that difficult to get info.  But there wasn’t anything I could find (at this time) specifically about the stockings, which are basically self-gartered.

Tights are, in general, a bitch to fit.  If you’re leggy, or rounded, or some combo of both, odds are the crotch of the damn things end up somewhere lower than they’re supposed to, giving you that sexy penguin waddle.  So chopping the legs off a pair of tights and tying them back on will just lose you precious length in the leg.

So, here is a simple step-by-step to get the self-garter look.

1. Find yourself a pair of tights or leggings. Foot Traffic’s Combed Cotton in Brown, Chocolate, or Heather Mocha are all good bets for the Alice costume, and are comparable to Rit dyes I’ve worked with before, so you can match the shirt to the tights.
2. Put the tights on, making sure the legs are straight (this is important to positioning the “garter”).  Now, using a fabric marker or pen that will wash out, mark the center-point of your thigh.  Do this at the height you want the self-garter to be.
3. Take the tights off.  Laying them flat and even, make two marks to either side of the center-point you just made.  You want the total width to be about 1.5 inches.
4. Using the marks you’ve just made as a guide, cut a shallow wedge from the sides in.  Set the pieces you’ve cut out aside.
5. Almost done.
   
6. Now, take those bits you cut out and tie them around the self-garter you just made, back and front.  Wrap them around several times, it bulks up the “knot”.  I find it’s easier to do this when they’re on, as you can judge things a little better.  Trim any extra ends.
7. BAM. You actually get a little extra length this way, even.