Review: Victoria’s Secret Miraculous™ Push-up Bra

On a whim, about a year ago, I bought my first bra in nearly a decade.  I’m minimally endowed enough to not require everyday harness or restraint and had fallen out of the habit of ever wearing this most feminine of foundation garments.  Since, for my frame, they’re purely decorative, I ended up buying a basic push-up number and fell in love with the lady-drag costume aspect of the whole thing.

Armed with my very own letter and number combination (and an equivalent size that is easier to find in the average department store) my bra collection grew from zero to a handful (ha, ha) over the summer.

I recently received some “hey, shop with us again!” coupons in the mail for $10 off a purchase in-store with Victoria’s Secret.  Browsing their site, I was presented with this:

Yowsa.  Now, it’s totally key to understanding my curiosity about the Miraculous™ that you recognise I never wear a bra with intent to conceal its presence.  The plainest style, by inherent structure, is so different from my everyday boobs that I tend to pair them with low-cut tops that show the top of the cups, to make it clear that I’m just genderfucking around.

Victoria’s Secret ranks the va-voomness of their padded bras by “levels.” They range from a Subtle lift and shaping at Level 1, upwards through Moderate, Dramatic and Extreme, ending at the Ultimate lift of a Level 5.  The Miraculous™ is a five.  Clearly.

At the store, a VS associate explained the science going on.  Besides your regular underboob push-up padding, these have got padding on the sides, to “create an hourglass silhouette” and heave to the breasts together.

padding
(clicking will take you to Flickr and larger versions)

The Miraculous™ is supposed to add “up to two cup sizes.”  It does this with a cup size worth of padding under the breasts and another cup’s worth at the side.  Even this much prosthetic boobage didn’t give me proper cleavage, but a large part of that is my body type (see problems listed below).  Nonetheless, the difference on a small frame like mine is unnerving.

Two cheers for boob science! But.  There are some issues certain body types are going to have with this much padding and scaffolding.

  1. If your rack is more widely spaced, with the bulk of fatty tissue closer to your arms than your sternum, it’s going to take some gravity work (bending over and scooping the boob into place) to situate everything in place, and even then it might not stay.  The Victoria’s Secret associate who I talked to has a similar build to mine and had the same issue.  The straps can be crossed in the back, I found that this does help distribute the tension more evenly.
  2. The dainty little straps are easily cowed by neck and shoulder muscles.  Raising my arms up rolls the straps a little, which would be totes annoying during a day at work in the warehouse.
  3. Its fake as hell.  Nothing subtle about adding two cup sizes, folks.

Like with any bra, I suggest taking your time in the fitting room.  Jump around, lean over, see what it’s like with a shirt on.  Since they’re right there in the middle of everything, your boobs are in integral part of daily movement.  However, there is some adjustment available with the strap design.  The straps unhook in the back, then can be slotted into a pretty wide range of configurations and back widths.  I ended up finding a setup that reduced the strap rolling issue I had.

strapoptions
(clicking will take you to Flickr and larger versions)

When it comes down to it, this is the ultimate showpiece bra.  This amazing bit of boob tech is not going to be everybody’s fave daily device, its the kind of thing you pull out for company and holidays.  However—it comes in a good range of colours, a couple lace overlays and rowdy animal prints (though the seriously boss stuff isn’t available online yet).  if you have the gonads to have fun with boobs, the Victoria’s Secret Miraculous™ push-up is totally worth it.  Sizes online are available from 32AA to 38DD, so a sizeable chunk of humanity can play.

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7 Responses to “Review: Victoria’s Secret Miraculous™ Push-up Bra”

  1. Laurel Says:

    *cough*Boobies*cough*

    Some pretty amazing engineering there. You almost make me want to break my grudge and shop at Victoria’s Secret again.

    (seriously… boobies.)

  2. Chronographia Says:

    I’d like to point out that, apart from the obvious change these effect, they change the muscular tension of the decotelage. Which is actually more interesting because it transfers on into the neck muscles too.

    (I have drawn and painted too many nekkid people to be all that impressed by boobage.)

  3. bzedan Says:

    @Laurel —I have stealth boobs. And I am horrified/fascinated by VS, because it is a world that is not mine at ALL. I wear boy underwear and am generally confused by lacy undergarments outside of humor factor. I do not “primp”. It is like going to the zoo, Laurel. Or a foreign country. It is easier to do when you look at it that way.

    @Chronographia —Most totes! The engineering of bra physics is super interesting (especially with the super adjustable straps). It reminds me of corsets some, there are ones that support and shift your center of balance evenly and there are ones that haul and pull. Stuff that affects your core! Boobs are part of it!

    Boobs are like feet, they are things on your body that people can be silly about. But they are so central to lady-drag, which feet are not. As much.

  4. trina Says:

    va-va-voom! That is freaking weird that a bra can do that. i have the same problem with, eh-hem, placement. I have only finally this year found a couple brands that flatter and don’t hurt or look like grandma armor. I tried a push up once for kicks…. it was obscene. :)

  5. bzedan Says:

    Science! Finding a brand that works is the most frustrating/rewarding thing. I know someone who can only wear Calvin Klein bras, because they consider her boob shape the standard shape. I’m Target (thank goodness) and VS.

    Push-ups are the funniest thing in the world to me. And it was probs awesomely obscene. I think that is the law with push ups, mostly.

  6. Journal of a Something or Other » Blog Archive » Made/Nails/ILS/The worst thing I have ever seen, ever, what the hell Says:

    […] The VS Miraculous™ Push-up, blogged here. […]

  7. I Like Socks » Blog Archive » Something different: The Beauty Routine Says:

    […] and loved a series of posts Virginia wrote on her beauty routine.  I mentioned lady-drag in my VS bra review, and I’ll examine it further later—relevant here, over the past couple of years I’ve […]